The Darkness

The Darkness

Can you hear me Daddy? Does anyone hear my voice, my pain, and my sadness? Is anybody out there willing to hold my hand through this darkness they call dementia? It is a blackness so dark there are no stars in shining in the heavens to help guide me. I do not know in which direction that I am headed because the darkness keeps out the light.

Dementia the darkness
A darkness has engulfed my life
A pain so deep that I am left on my knees pleading for my life
I scream in silence God please hear my pleas
Please help me to find the strength given by He
Show mercy on the soul of a child, a child like me
Help me to stand Lord and bring the light back to me

Please bring my dad back to me
Why does it feel like he hates me
He promised me he would never leave
Yet here I am on bleeding knees
When will this darkness not control me

I am afraid of this darkness, so deep it swallows me whole
Lord please give me a hand to hold
I don’t want to be trapped in darkness anymore
Who will show mercy to a little girl

I wish that I too would forget these days. Dementia takes away more than memories. It takes compassion away. It takes away love. It is a selfish disease that thinks only of itself. Is my mind clouded by my autism leaving me unable to see the truth? Whose truth are we talking about here? Is it his? Is it mine? Is it a disease or is it him? Is it an excuse to escape life? I want to escape too. I don’t have that option do I? Do I? I think of Footprints and I know the Lord is carrying me and one day I will look back and see that. Today it feels as though I am being dragged by my hair through the depths of Hell kicking and screaming help me.

My mom says nothing in life worth having comes easy, and if it comes easy you should question keeping it. I would settle for easy right now. I would settle for a hand to hold. You don’t need to speak, only hold my hand and not let the darkness take me away.

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