This Pain

This Pain

What is pain? Pain is knowing that you will never be worth fighting for in life. Pain is knowing that your life is a lie. Pain is reading how much your dad loves you and having him tell you to go find your new daddy. Pain is seeing your mother cry because your dad has snapped and punched her. Pain is when there is nothing else left to feel because even your anger has been beaten down. I am in pain.

I am not angry. There is no point in being angry at what I can not change. I hurt for my mother. I hurt for my dad even though he is the one who has caused this pain. I hurt for my little sisters who are too young to understand what is happening around them. I hurt for my broken family.

I hurt for my uncle who just died. He loved me. He loved me so much. He always dropped everything to listen to even the stupidest complaint. He never got married or had kids. He said we were his babies and he would do anything for us. Now he too is gone and I feel so alone without him. Since my dad left he was there and would make it okay somehow. He would hug me and tell me he loved me to heaven and back and always would. I guess now I have a guardian angel looking over us. Who knew an angel could cause so much pain?

I hurt for me. I hurt for the little girl who was promised to be loved forever and now cries herself to sleep at night. I hurt for lost dreams of what my life should be and is not because someone else made choices to destroy my life. I hurt for the person I will become because I look into her eyes every morning when I say “hi mom” at breakfast. I hurt because I am like every other human. I wish some people would see that. I wish I wasn’t in pain. In case you wondered it’s Isabella, or at least my pain speaking to you.

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