Drug addiction is not a problem that anyone expects to have to have deal with in life. Nobody wakes up one day and says hey I think today will be the day that I throw my life away. I know that I certainly did not expect this to happen to me, especially with my past, yet here I am today. It’s a tough subject, but an important one.
I was born as an identical twin. Mikey and I had that mother who forced us to dress the same until we were teenagers. We attended a private catholic school and we were always put into the same classes throughout the elementary and middle school years. Nothing was our own from our clothing and hair cuts down to our friends. We fought to be our own people growing up. I got into sports and focused on getting into school. He joined a gang and ended up addicted to heroin at 16. I lost my brother to gang violence and swore that I would never touch a drug because of him. How the hell did I end up here?
I am in no way placing the blame on anyone except myself, but something was different this last time Jessie got sick. There was no medicine or treatment left. She either was strong enough for a transplant before it was too late or she wasn’t. Right then she wasn’t and I turned to cocaine when someone offered it to me. I have severe ADHD and stimulants have the opposite effect on me. I wanted to feel calm and in control. I needed something to get me through this hell again and I couldn’t handle it alone. I tried the medicines and therapy and it wasn’t enough to keep me from falling over the edge. That one time immediately turned into a daily thing and into multiple times a day. I never felt high, but I felt closer to normal. When she came through her transplant I couldn’t stop. I am a coke addict.
I sit here in the hospital writing this and trying to put my life back together. How is my wife going to forgive me? How am I going to explain this to my daughters? With every line I told myself this is wrong and thought of my brother. I thought of my Ma and her struggles with pain killers. I thought about how much I missed them and my wife would be next. I’d lose her from kidney failure or my addiction. She wants to work on things, but I always knew this woman was too good for me. I didn’t need an addiction to prove that, but it did. I don’t know what will happen now. I know I am going to fight this for my girls, but maybe I am already lost too. I don’t know, but I miss me too.