Yeah it’s hard…
Sometimes I find myself drifting away, staring at the wall, thinking of things that I know I have no control over and that I cannot change. It’s difficult to be in a position where you’re so vulnerable to others and in which your privacy is gone; where the only place that feels safe and comfortable is inside yourself. I have trouble sometimes dealing with this whole situation. There are times where all I do is direct and tell people what to do. In fact that’s my life. I didn’t sign up to be a manager of others starting at 16 years old. Sometimes trying my best doesn’t seem good enough to me. I think I’m my own worst critic.
You know how there are those days when you wake up in the morning and you just don’t feel like getting out of bed? Maybe you have a long day ahead, you’re tired, lazy, stayed up too late the night before or just don’t want to face the day. Whatever the case may be, the sheer determination just isn’t there.
If I wanted to, I could just say the heck with it. Why get out of bed into my wheelchair, wheel out into the other room, and do the same things that I could have done sitting in bed in my room? It doesn’t always seem worth it. Especially now that the wheelchair I’m in is extremely uncomfortable. It takes a lot for me to say yes when my nurse asks me if I’m ready to get up.
One thing I think about is the fact that there are many people who can’t get out of bed, who don’t have that choice. This is something that motivates me to say yes; I would definitely struggle more with not having the option of getting up at all. No matter how challenging my disability is, I still manage to live every day to the fullest. I’m a very strong person and I also know that I’m helping others just by being me.
The quote below has helped me tremendously to deal with the overflow of emotions that creep up from time to time. I hope it resonates with you.
“Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greatest achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!”
-Christian D. Larson