Marriage Rules

Marriage Rules

Rules for a successful happy marriage from the male perspective

I may have only been married for one year, but what a roller coaster year it has been. I’ve made mistakes, huge mistakes, and I am learning from them. I’ve had great successes as well. I want to please my wife in every aspect of life. I want to be a partner to her, not a ring on her finger. There are several things I have learned over the past year that have spun my head around. Who knew being married would be so wonderful and confusing at the same time? I obviously didn’t, or I wouldn’t have been so confused when I made a comment and my wife’s head did this weird exorcist type of maneuver. I was waiting for the pea soup to come flying out of her mouth. It was much worse than that. She told me it was “fine”. If you’re not married you may not know that fine is nowhere in the ballpark of fine. Fine coming from your very angry woman means you better sleep with one eye open while you’re out camping in the dog house. I don’t know what you did to deserve the “fine”, but you better fix it and fast.

  1. You can not win an argument. She is right! I don’t care if she told you that the sky is green with pink polka dots and you are only 3cms tall. She’s right! You can laugh all you want, but it’s true. Let me see you tell my wife she’s wrong about something. Anything…Go ahead and I will be your shoulder to cry on after proves you wrong. You have a choice in this life. You can be right or you can be happy. Choose wisely, because in an argument with your spouse you can not have both.
  2. Unless your advice has been specifically asked for your job is to keep your mouth shut. Women like to talk things out and bounce their thoughts off of their partners. Do not mistake this self reflection as her wanting you to fix the situation or even your opinion. You will be seen as a jerk who doesn’t believe his wife can handle her own problems. Remember you listen with your ears and not your mouth.
  3. Do not take marital advice from a single friend. What was I thinking? There are reasons they are not married. This is very closely related to rule 4.
  4. Do NOT discuss your relationship issues with friends. There are a few reasons why doing that is a bad idea. First of all you know you don’t have a single friend who will keep their mouth shut. The next thing you know it’s on facebook stating your wife is the b word because you said something along the lines of, “Oh man it’s annoying when she..”. You want your close friends to like your spouse. When you complain to them it gives them a negative opinion of your partner. Before you know it you have a drunken frat brother in your living room screaming “screw that chick, bros before hoes!” because you were play fighting with your wife. Your wife will not find this nearly as amusing as I did. As previously stated, I have made some HUGE mistakes in the past year.
  5. Become psychic and remember this mantra. “What she meant is more important than what she said.” You have no business being married if you do not possess the ability to read minds. She will say one thing and change her mind without informing you, and it will be your fault that you did what she said and not what she meant. Learn to ask very specific questions. Tell me in great detail what it is that you expect me to do right now.
  6. Do not lie. I know what you’re thinking. She won’t find out. Let me explain this to you. Women are sneaky and devious, and she already knows.The only reason she’s asking is so she can call you out on 2 offenses instead of one.
  7. Put the toilet seat down! Oh really? You say things like that don’t matter? You’ll see, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!
  8. Do not go to bed angry. This is especially true if your wife belongs to a gun club or is a knife collector. In all seriousness this rule is impossible to follow, unless you sleep on the couch. You’re going to fight at some point and feelings don’t go away just because someone gave up. Do not go to bed fighting.
  9. Do not bring up anything from the past in an argument. Oh sure what you did wasn’t that big of deal compared to the one time when she….. Seriously? It’s suicide. She can and will list every mistake you have ever made, provide video proof, and remember the date and time of the offense.
  10. If your wife didn’t find it funny then it wasn’t funny. This is a mistake you will only make out loud once. It’s okay to laugh in your head, just not in her face.
  11. Remember the definition of marriage at all times. Marriage is betting half of your belongings that you can make them love you forever.
  12. When you have nothing else refer to number 1. It is your fault. The sooner you accept this the sooner she will stop googling divorce attorneys.
1 reply
  1. Anna Marie
    Anna Marie says:

    You’re right – you’re still too new. Someone said that if you make it three years, the worst is over. Not sure if I agree with that (my sister would, she only made it three years/three kids, and hubbie’s cousin only lasted three years, too)… but those first years certainly are a learning experience.

    I hated those years. Mostly because mine had lived with Mommy until we were married, then moved in with me. And started the whole, “But my mom did ____.” thing. His mom had been a stay-home mother, and I had a full-time job, so if he thought I was going to serve in the same capacity as her while employed…? I retorted, ‘Do I look like your mother to you?’ It was… a colorful first three years. I’m still shocked we even made it. He once admitted, “Well, I thought I could change you!” Um…? There were many, many clue-phones being passed out to us. We were so young… over a decade younger than you two. Green as grass. It was pitiable.

    Give it a while… you’ll change some of this. Like #11. Your definition will definitely change. Number 7 never, EVER will, though. I know this, because something like twelve years into it, I fell in sometime in the middle of the night. And he nearly died, in those wee hours. (I think I just broke #4. Like I said, you’ll change some of this.) At this point, I have split the house up into ‘girls potty’ and ‘boys potty’, because I have five males (ages 5 to 40) in this house, now, and if I fell in the boy potty? I think *I* would die. Why do boys think God gave them squirt guns? What is that? It’s bad for bathrooms, I do know that…

    The primary thing people need to learn is that marriage isn’t 50/50, it’s 100/100. Well… for it to be ideal, anyhow. We’ve been everything BUT that, over the span of nearly two decades, but we keep trying. Sometimes we get closer than others. Everyone has the same struggles with it.

    The secondary thing that matters most in marriage is remembering that not only do you have to see to your spouse’s physical, relational, spiritual, and intellectual needs, you also have to keep nurturing yourself in those four areas, too. Also a constant struggle. S’why we’re all works in progress.

    Gonna try to blitz thru a few of these, today…

    Gonna try to blitz a bunch of these, today…

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