Anyone who has a spinal cord injury has eventually gotten “the question” (multiple times, in fact). That is to say, some version of “What happened to you?,” “How did you get hurt?,” “Why are you in a wheelchair?,” etc. Basically, they just want to know what your deal is and why you use a wheelchair. Sometimes saying, “I had a spinal cord injury/broke my neck diving into a beach” is enough on its own, but sometimes a series of follow up questions, even those more personal and detailed than you would normally ask someone, ensues. Sometimes you get a simple response like “That sucks” or “Too bad” or “Hey you still seem to be doing well.” Other times you get sustained eye contact and sad body language with a “That must be hard” or “God bless you” reaction that is intended to be sympathetic but comes across like they assume that my life must be a pathetic challenge. Little do they know that despite my SCI my life is pretty good overall.
When you’ve gotten “the question” enough times you pick up a sixth sense for predicting when it’s coming. With adults it’s a lot easier to foresee. More often than not they have better tact and pick their moment to bring it up much more appropriately, like when you’re hanging out one on one more privately or if it comes up in conversation so there’s a smooth segue to ask. They usually kick off their inquiry by asking something like, “Hey, can I ask you a personal question?” and nine times out of ten that personal question will be about my SCI. Although every now and again you get those adults who ask out of the blue in an inappropriate setting, like drunkenly blurting it out in the middle of a group of people at a party when the topic of conversation is nowhere near the subject. That can be anywhere between awkward to annoying to flat out pisses me off depending on my mood or the circumstances.
But the SCI inquiry is far less predictable, and in my opinion, more awkward when it comes to kids. Kids lack that tact and sense of appropriate timing and you just never know when it’s coming. Recently, I had a kid point at my wheelchair one foot away in an elevator and say “Mommy what’s that?” Other times I hear kids say “Why is he in that thing?” Or flat out ask “Can you walk?” or say “Can he walk?” to someone else like I’m not sitting right there in front of them. “How do you get in bed?” and “How do you go to the bathroom?” can often be fun follow up questions from kids.
But the difference between adults and kids is that adults understand the medical mechanics of SCI and paralysis. Well they should anyway. A friend stated recently that a doctor asked her why she could move her arms if she was a quad. Wow. And you have a medical degree? I digress… But kids don’t understand that broken vertebrae can cause damage to the spinal cord which causes both muscle paralysis and the loss of voluntary bodily functions. My best “kidded” down explanation has been to say that I bumped my head really hard or that I got a bad owie once.
As an uncle of a four year old nephew and three year old niece I have been bracing myself for “the question” from either of them for about a year now. My nephew has always seemed to take it as it is, just accepting and understanding that Uncle Shawn can’t walk, can’t use the stairs, etc. But he’s never asked. Even by the time she turned three my niece was still trying to get me to follow her down stairs, so she has been coming around to understanding my physical limitations on a different plane. But the difference between my niece and nephew is that she is much more boldly and vocally inquisitive about stuff.
That said, “the question” was finally asked about two weeks ago. After the holiday program at their school I was giving the kids a ride in my van (which is always a treat for them) to the restaurant. My niece started off by asking my mom why I wasn’t driving from a regular car seat and my mom said that I had to drive from my wheelchair. Then my niece asked why and my mom said that I couldn’t drive from the other chair because I had an accident diving into the water, hurt my neck, and got a bad owie years ago so I had to use a wheelchair to drive. Then my niece asked if there was blood when I hurt my neck and my mom said yes but on the inside (which I don’t think is true but still). Then my nephew chimed in to say that it was good that the blood stayed inside my neck because otherwise it would have made the water red and that would be bad, and they dwelled on the subject of blood in the water for a while. Then, as I cringed anticipating what was coming next, my niece asked if I could walk. My mom told her that because of my really bad neck owie that I couldn’t 
walk, no. After all that my niece concluded that because of my really, really, really, really, bad neck owie that I couldn’t walk and had to use a wheelchair. Then she found a “barella” (umbrella) in my backseat and just like that we were off of the subject again.
So in the end getting “the question” asked by my niece and nephew wasn’t that bad, and was even a bit cute hearing them try to flesh out a hard to explain concept for kids. And they still don’t understand what Uncle Shawn’s SCI truly is all about, but at this point the fact that they’re hip to the fact that I can’t walk because of my really, really, really, really, bad neck owie is probably good enough.
How do you answer these types of questions? Do you answer differently for kids vs. adults?
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