Hello Friends! Hope you are using the summertime as a time of reflection, relaxation, and rejuvenation. Now I know many parents of children and teens with disabilities read these blogs from time to time, so I thought I would focus on YOU for a change. To my fellow brothers and sisters with disabilities, you can get something out of this as well, so please keep reading.
Let me preface this by saying that my children were not born with disabilities and I pray that they have to battle one in their lifetime. I can only imagine, yes imagine, how challenging it is for a parent to deal with, handle, embrace, face, whatever it is that you want to call it to move forward with your lives. There have been some parents who can’t handle it and run in the complete opposite direction. How can I or anyone else for that matter judge them? It’s those parents who don’t blink an eye and are filled with total unconditional love to the point where no matter what physical or mental disability their child may have, they will do whatever it takes to help their child live their lives to the fullest. That is courage. That is hope. They are the poster-children for unconditional love. They are a lesson to us all.
So while I praise and honor these parents, I must also point out that this “unconditional love” can run in excess at times to the point where I am seeing much too often parents becoming “enablers.” Again, I can only imagine if I had a child who was born with a disability and how I would do everything in my power to make their lives as comfortable and as “easy” as possible. I see this coming in the form or unconditional love, yes, but I also see it coming from a place of “guilt.” There are too many parents out there who almost subconsciously, blame themselves for their children being born with a disability. Whether they believe that their genetics, their lifestyle, you name it, caused their child to have their disability, they need to blame someone and thus internalize all of this horrible guilt on some level. That’s what happens internally. Externally, they become enablers. I don’t know how to say this any other way. They end up doing too much for their children, things that they know on the deepest of levels their children can do, or at least try to do, on their own. Don’t get me wrong. Their intentions are great, but they are actually doing a disservice to their children.
The best thing that they can do is create an environment for their children to thrive! This does not mean doing everything for them. I know you hate to see your child struggle to do something, but you know deep down inside that it is what is best for them and what is needed for them to grow. You want to help and do for them because you feel that they have been through so much already. You feel that they don’t deserve one more second of anything challenging and will do anything to spare them of this possible pain and frustration. Trust your parental instincts. Don’t listen to your mind which is taking you down a road of guilt that feeds the enabler. Go into your heart and seriously ask yourself if you really need to assist in this situation or do I need to back off a little and see how it plays out. This may be in the form of helping someone dress, do a transfer, eat, pick something up, change the channel on the remote, do something on their EasyStand, brushing their hair or teeth, you name it. Again, you will know deep down inside where you will need to give more attention and support and where you must back off and let your child have the experience. It may even be an experience of failure…and that is okay. How would anyone, even a child or a teen with a disability, know what success was if they never experienced failure?
So today, right here right now, I want anyone that thinks or knows that he or she may be an ENABLER to take full ownership of it, but make a promise to yourself to rid yourself of this title. Today is about “Disabling the Enabler!” It is not serving you and it is certainly not serving your child. Nobody would wish his or her worst enemy to have a child with disability or even an adult for that matter, so do yourself a favor and release the guilt. You did not do anything to deserve having a child with a disability, nor did your child do anything to deserve a disability. It is what it is and you move forward. Is it easy? Not at all. Do you and your child have what it takes to not only survive in this world, but thrive in it? Absolutely! It is my belief that if you are here on Earth, with your heart beating, than there is a place for you here. There is also a purpose for you here to fulfill so go out there and claim it! Enjoy the journey!
What parenting advice do you have for others raising kids with disabilities?
