Hey there friends. Now that I either got you fired up about having a child or more children or have totally frightened you about the prospects of having a child, I would like dive into the specifics of parenting with a disability. First and foremost, you can do this. When my wife, Pratiksha and I were first discussing the concept of parenting and I shared with her my fears, and trust me there were and still are many related specifically to my disability, her first reaction was “Honey, you could be totally able-bodied and be a mad man. You are my partner emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and certainly hold your own physically. You will be a great father.” That was all the extra motivation and reassurance that I needed. If you are a parent or parent-to-be and don’t have fears than I truly believe you are the one with the disability!
Since I am a T-7 para, one of my greatest fears in parenting was the thought of picking up my child and actually holding him or her. I get occasional spasms which sometimes throw me off balance and being a T-7 para without the use of most of my abdominals, I don’t have the best trunk balance in the world…even without holding anything. “What will happen if I am holding my newborn and one of these unexpected (they all are aren’t they?) spasms occurs? Will I have to fall to the ground with the baby since both of my arms and hands will be preoccupied?” You may think that I was creating a lot of unwarranted drama, a great characteristic of parents by the way, but I also wanted to be prepared. I laugh while writing the word, “prepared,” because the old adage, “The best laid plans of Mice and Men often go astray,” certainly applies to parenting. Preparing is great and does come in handy once in a while, but the word that really applies to parenting is “reacting.” Parents become masters of reacting, so your reaction time will increase when you become a parent, trust me.
When my daughter, Nia, was just a couple of weeks old, I recall a day in which Pratiksha was out shoveling after a snowstorm and I was inside watching her out the window and watching my beautiful daughter sleeping in the playpen. “If you need me or when Nia wakes up just yell out the window,” Pratiksha said. I nodded my head but knew deep down inside that I could handle things inside. If I was not able to do a good job shoveling (not my lane and stay out of it by the way), I must take care of things inside the house. Well, as luck would have it, just ten minutes into my wife’s shoveling, Nia woke up crying in the playpen. With a slight feeling of fear, I rolled over to the playpen, looked out the window, then back into the playpen again and said, “Nia, we can do this, but I need your help. I need you to hold your neck straight when I pick you up, okay?” Yes, I was trying to communicate a 10-day old child. Anyway, with one hand on my wheelchair for balance, I reached down with one hand, grabbed the onesie that she was wearing right in the middle of chest and began to slowly lift her up. This little angel never lost eye contact with me and kept her head so straight until she knew she had arrived safely in my arms. Mission accomplished! I was so excited with our accomplishment and while there was certainly an element of fear, there was an overriding feeling of courage that surfaced. When Pratiksha came in about a ½ hour later and saw me holding Nia she asked curiously, “How did you pick her up?” When I told her what Nia and I did together, a huge smile overcame her face. She always believed that I could be a great parent and this was just another example that reaffirmed her belief and mine!
I can honestly tell you that I was an equal part of each of my two children’s lives from the moment s they were born. Changing diapers, feeding them (still have not figured out how to breastfeed but I guess another one of those “stay in your lane” beliefs), bathing them (not my favorite because trunk balance is really tested), you name it. Yes, Pratiksha does handle much of these duties because it is much easier for her, but she does travel from time to time and I am left alone with the kids…and we all have survived. Better yet, we have thrived! We prefer when Mommy is here with us at home, but the kids have the utmost confidence in me when it comes to getting things done in their lives. There are so many other fears, some that I have overcome and some that linger, which I will talk to you about very soon. Enjoy the journey!
Read Part One: Parenting…Ready, Willing & ABLE
What parenting fears do you have? How did you overcome these fears?
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