I’ve teased the topic of dating with a disability a bit in some of my past posts, and it’s a topic that’s already been covered elsewhere on this blog, but I thought that I would finally step up to the plate and provide a guy’s perspective on what it’s like dating with a disability. In short, it’s very difficult; and stated more accurately it sucks.
The most obvious issue to start with is that having a disability (spinal cord injury quadriplegic) and being in a wheelchair puts me at a major disadvantage with women as compared to able-bodied men. The wheelchair itself carries a certain negative, unattractive social stigma, and until some hunky singer comes out with a “She Makes My Wheelchair Sexy” type song that sweeps the nation then it might not change. It also makes it impossible to flaunt my goods to the ladies because they can’t check out my stride or how I carry myself, my chest/back/shoulders/butt, and those kinds of observations used to gauge initial levels of attractiveness in others. “Hey stud, you got fries with that roll?” isn’t something I hear. Instead, a typical exchange with a girl involves her looking at my wheelchair first, then my legs in “I wonder why they don’t work” fashion, then my face, then the wheelchair/legs again, then dismissively away. That’s always tough and makes for frustrating and unsuccessful attempts to initiate contact. It’s also their loss for not giving me a chance, but still.
So where physical appearances fall short the hope is that my looks and smile draw them in instead. But that can be a mixed bag because facial attraction is so subjective, plus I’m no Brad Pitt. After that, the hope has been to use my personality to charm them and get some chemistry going. But if the wheelchair and my looks prevent them from wanting to start a conversation then my personality never comes into play. And so that cycle perpetuates.
Over the years a lot of my dating woes have been due to both disability issues and specific sets of circumstances. For example, when I was in college I didn’t go out with any girls because I went to my school at a time where it seemed like most of them were cliquey, pretentious, and were mostly on the prowl for perfect ten Abercrombie & Fitch catalog model type guys, of which I was not sans my pre-diving accident body. There were also plenty of times where I was out at the bars and I witnessed girls contorting their bodies as I passed by so that they wouldn’t touch me, as if it meant contracting cripple cooties or something. Another frequent factor that’s made it hard to meet girls at restaurants, bars, or house parties is that due to the crowds I am essentially left stationary since moving around is difficult, which usually means relying on girls to approach me instead and unfortunately that hasn’t happened often.
Internet dating is all the rage these days, and I’ve known a few people who have gone on to meet great people and get married that route. But I guess I’ve had a few problems with it overall: 1) I’m old fashioned that way and have always preferred to meet girls mutually through friends, classes, at a salon where she frequently cuts my hair, etc., become friends first, build things up, and then see where it leads. 2) The disclosure issue. I’ve been told time and again to just list my disability on the profile, but I wonder how well that will be received. And it will feel crushing if I don’t get any bites because of it. 3) I can’t afford the $35-50 a month most pay dating sites charge, and even if I could it still seems like a ripoff. There are plenty of free dating sites out there but they lack credibility to me. There are also disability dating sites out there but I’m never sure if they’re for people open minded to dating someone with a disability or for those with disabilities interested in dating others with disabilities. The latter doesn’t interest me. 4) By extension, there are disability fetishistsout there that I have to look out for. Moreover, being considered a “vulnerable adult” I have to be very careful about which new internet connections I meet, can trust, give my personal info to, or take home with me.
In terms of asking girls out in general it’s always been pretty hard for me. One of the unspoken secrets about guys is how much we fear getting rejected by a girl that we really like. It’s awful. But in my case that rejection cuts deeper on account of the disability, because even when getting turned down may be on the up and up for lack of compatibility reasons (e.g. attraction, personality, interests, etc.) deep down it’s hard to not feel like the disability wasn’t the major factor. So it creates a bit of a disincentive to approach or ask women out to avoid that crappy feeling. I also find asking out someone I barely know awkward. Then on the flip side I’ve never been asked out (or it wasn’t obvious if they did), which can’t help but make a guy feel unattractive and asexual. And for all I know, those who were actually interested in me held back for fear of being rejected by someone with a disability—another dating issue.
“Not being able to slide up next to girls on a couch, etc. or the inability to make other close contact that stokes that subtly physical ‘I like you’ vibe is frustrating.”
If things do progress there are other miscellaneous issues that can muck things up. Not being able to slide up next to girls on a couch, etc. or the inability to make other close contact that stokes that subtly physical “I like you” vibe is frustrating. Not being able to step into a kiss means making the first move after a date is difficult and awkward. I’m limited in the types of dates I can go on (e.g. no hiking), the accessibility/inaccessibility of her place, sex and sleepovers/getaways can be a different challenge, and so on which can all be tough.
The misguided “I need to be taken care of” stigma has often been a relationship hurdle too. One ex-girlfriend cited that as one reason to break up with me, and another very close friend I was secretly in love with admitted to me years later that one of the biggest reasons that she didn’t cross the friend line even though she wanted to was because she didn’t know if she could handle taking care of me. In retrospect, she admitted that it was silly thinking but it still felt crappy to hear, and had she taken the plunge we might be married now. Girlfriends/wives might have to help with some things but I have PCAs for my primary personal cares.
All in all, the dating thing has been one of the most difficult and lonely aspects of my post-SCI lifestyle. Since I don’t use my disability as a crutch or excuse I should also be clear that there are many factors as to why I’ve had minimal dating success. But when I’ve remained single for so long despite having a pretty good relationship “resume” (see the second to last paragraph of this post) that most women would be super interested in it’s hard to argue that my disability hasn’t been a significant factor. Related, it can be hard to deal with the constant, lingering notion that had I never had my SCI that I would probably be married or in a serious long-term relationship, and definitely wouldn’t have gone over a decade without a relationship. All that being said, I still remain optimistic that if I stay patient then I will eventually meet “the one” who appreciates all the great things that I have to offer, disability or not. And hopefully she’s closer than I think.
(Please read the comments below for a great discussion about this post as well as an update on Shawn’s relationship status.)
Have you faced similar dating challenges? Any advice for others based on your experiences?
Photo Credit: lumaxart
As a disabled woman who’s married, and prior to that hadn’t had much of a problem dating, it doesn’t seem to me like these problems can be boiled down to disability. Sorry. Your admission that an online dating service exclusively for pwd isn’t of interest to you sets up a double standard. If you wouldn’t consider dating somebody because of their disability, why should anybody date you? When you wrote about being secretly in love with your friend for years and then blamed her for not speaking up and addressing fears she’d had about potentially beginning a relationship, you missed your own complicity. Had YOU made a move and told her about your aides, maybe then your situation would have played out more to your liking. Then there’s the entire paragraph about fear of rejection as a disincentive in trying. This column is filled with other things that are holding you back. Because your photo’s cute and it’s not your wheels.
The point is, in love as much as in anything else, we can’t expect anyone else to get over their issues with disability if we don’t do it first.
First of all, thank you for taking the time to read my post and also for the comment, you raise some interesting points and are correct about some of it in certain respects. One of the issues with having personal opinions and specific disability perspectives and putting them out there on the internet is that it opens me up to criticism, and this is apparently one of those posts that sparks that kind of debate.
As for my response, there are a few things at play with this post. Chief among them is that I have a word limit, which I already went over by a few hundred words, so unfortunately I ran out of room to flesh out some of those issues that came across a little too “woe is me and my poor disability,” which was nowhere near the intended overall message, and I had to hit the highlights by listing an interrelated number of factors as to why it’s been challenging for me in general. I also made it very clear that I didn’t entirely blame the disability on my dating woes, but it has been a significant factor in them yes. If this post did come across overly cynical it’s because it’s a topic that I can’t help but be cynical about it having been mostly dateless and relationshipless for over a decade.
The choice of person people are interested in dating is very subjective. I didn’t mean to suggest that I’m shutting the door on all women with disabilities, but rather I am mostly interested in dating able-bodied women, and there is nothing wrong with that. For example, I have all that I can handle being a quad so I am not interested in dating another quad. It’s my relationship preferance. I see now how that came across as a negative dichotomy, but insinuating that I’m a rolling double standard because of it is a bit unfair. I have a preference in women I’m interested in and I shouldn’t be seen as a hypocrite because of it.
As for the friend situation, it should be pointed out that I wasn’t sure that she liked me back “that way” and she was (and still is) one of my very best friends, so my hesitancy was more out of fear of ruining the friendship if she didn’t feel the same way back and had not near as much to do with the disability. In regard to ME not making the move to tell her about my aides, etc., I was completely unaware that it was even an issue until almost 7 years after the fact so it never crossed my mind at the applicable time to be proactive about it, or I probably would have. The point was that the taking care of me issue is an on the surface relationship hurdle. And if you reread the post I never suggested that I blamed her for anything. Rather, that it was tough to hear about it years later, mostly because given the opportunity to have that conversation it would have been very easy to clear things up.
Lastly, in regards to your mention that you are a woman with a disability (without qualifying the disability) who has never had any problems dating, two things: 1) I think the type of disability factors into it. If you are a beautiful, mostly able-bodied woman with an intellectual disability like ADD then you are going to have much more dating success than a wheelchair using quad with average looks. 2) It’s a pretty stong stance for someone who admits to having had no problem dating with a disability to suggest that someone who has had problems isn’t doing enough, or needs to go out of his comfort zone, or needs to get past his own issues with his disability first (for the record, I am a very adjusted to my disablity being a quad after almost 15 years) in order to yield better results. People have different dating styles. I will hopefully yield success eventually whether my disability is a factor or not.
ps Thanks for saying that I’m cute, please spread to word.
Hi Sean
I am a C4 quadriplegic lady who ended up getting divorced a year after my spinal cord injury. I just assumed that I would never again find a man who would be interested in a life with somebody like me. I was so wrong. I ended up rediscovering my sensuality/sexuality after 10 years. I wrote about it on my blog. You can read it here:
http://tracytodd.wordpress.com/2010/02/02/love-en-abled-3/
I eventually found the courage to do some online dating. I wrote about it here:
http://tracytodd.wordpress.com/2010/02/08/love-online/
I can highly recommend it. And it is worth paying the subscription. I was amazed at the response. I have made some wonderful lifelong friends this way and I have met the most wonderful man whom I would marry in a heartbeat. At present we are in a long-distance relationship but we intend to change that as soon as possible so that we may be together permanently.
Don’t give up. You are obviously intelligent, not bad looking and you have a incredible emotional intelligence which is a huge bonus. The perfect lady is out there for you.
Regards
Tracy
Shawn, I apologize for spelling your name incorrectly.
Thank you for the compliments and encouragement, Tracy. I had already come around to the internet dating thing a little bit more before I wrote this post. But at the least, some of the critical commentary about this post has suddenly pushed me even closer in that direction. They say all’s fair in love and war, and I suppose it is worth going to war with my low budget and multiple credit card statements that I can barely afford to pay off if it means a fighting chance at finding the kind of relationship you’ve spoken of.
And thank you for sharing your posts, I will check them out. I am already familiar with your blog and enjoy it. I thought your “Quadriplegia for Dummies” post was exceptional and I posted the link on my Facebook page by way of educating my friends and family about quads in an effective and entertaining way.
No problem about my name, it’s a common mistake.
Shawn, thanks for staring this conversation. I have a friend that is AB, very good looking and moves from one very bad relationship or divorce to another. This is do in part, because he commits to a women before he finds out who they are. My recomindation is to get involved with a book club, sporting group, your local spinal cord injury support group, (sounds like you have much to offer other) or work. The more you meet people and interact, the more opportunity to connect with others that will introduce you to Ms Right.
The more people see you, the less they see the w/c.
Shawn, I call BS on your “take”. Your disablity appears to be only an excuse for your lack of confidence. Stop blaming the wheelchair. Dating is hard for everyone, with or without a disability. Everyone is afraid of rejection: men and women, but you blame it ALL on your disablity. Ablebody men blame it on X, Y, Z….and as a woman, we blame it on looks, weight, personalities… but we get back on the horse and try again. If we didn’t, no one abled or disabled would be married or happly involved.
You called yourself “old fashion” but you sit there and pick and choose what old fashion means to you. “had she taken the plunge we might be married now”. Old fashion to me is the guy asking me out!!! You need to take responibility for your actions, you missed that call, not her. As far as thinking “girls on the prowl for perfect ten Abercrombie & Fitch catalog model type guys” … if that was the only case to ask a guy out, then I’d say good luck to all the average looking abled-bodied guys. But you take it further and use your disablity as an excuse to waiting around for a girl to ask you out… good luck. You are using your disablity as your crutch and if you don’t get over it how do you expect another person?
I know from experience, I have friend who is a quad C5. He is funny, witty, confident and I never saw his disabilit as inability. Now five yrs in to our marriage, we have a beautiful little girl and two more on the way. I thank God everyday he made that move to ask me to marry him.
Dating is a risk for everyone with or without a disbale.. it’s just how you look/live your life that someone will fall in love with you. Is your glass half full??? I challenge you to look at the REWARD, not the risk. Dating is hard but enjoy it! And if the “other” person can’t get beyond your disability, they are not the one! But you have to make that move first.
“Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect. It means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections.”
Well to start with, calling my post BS and referring to my take very condescendingly in quotation marks is harsh, no matter how you cut it. That was one of the most personal things that I’ve ever written in my life and it took a lot of guts for me to make it so public. I get that doing so opens things up to a variety of opinions but I don’t appreciate that at all.
I responded in detail above to some of the things that you’ve taken issue with so I’m not going to rehash those things other than to quickly say again that this post hit the highlights and broke down many of the elements and circumstances that have been at play in MY specific experiences having difficulties meeting and dating women. I never said that I use my disability as an excuse to sit around waiting for girls to ask me out. Rather, I said in crowded bar settings it’s very difficult for me to move around and it leaves me stationary, and by default it often shifts the who approaches who burdon to the other party. You read into that wrongly. You took issue with what I consider old fashioned but then quickly defined that old fashioned to you is getting asked out which apparently is perfectly acceptable, so that was like calling the kettle black.
This blog is a blog that strictly covers disability issues, so if I wasn’t writing about detailed disability issues or breaking down my experiences from a disability perspective then there would be no point in them publishing my posts. So that is why this post covered all the bases of dating struggles in a strict disability sense. Do I blame ALL of my dating issues on my disability, as you’ve suggested? No. Never. But as I very clearly pointed out, for many reasons and in a variety of circumstances it has been a significant factor. And compared to the able-bodied guys out there it puts me at a disadvantage for sure. Those are the facts.
How people keep getting the impression from this post that I’m having trouble getting over or getting past or that I’m ashamed of my disability or that I see my disability as inability confuses me. I’ve been a quad for almost 15 years now and have always been one of the most self-accepting and well-adjusted SCI guys out there. It’s not an issue at all. I also specifically pointed out that I don’t use my disability as a crutch. Ever.
I should also point out to everybody else who reads this post, the comments, and are looking to make a comment cut from the same critical vein as the ones above that in the past decade that I’ve gone mostly dateless and relationshipless I went to college, attended four very difficult years of law school, spent a whole summer studying for the bar exam, that fall studying for another exam, I’ve been involved in a tedious 2 plus year long job search, have been working hard at starting a nonprofit company from scratch (the Minnesota Spinal Cord Injury Association), and have dealt with the every day challenges of being a quad on top of all of that. So there are plenty of other factors as to why relationships have been elusive as well as my supposed “lack of effort” and/or taking initiative and/or lack of confidence asking women out outside of my disability world.
Lastly, even if you have a certain level of disability insight being married to a quad or having a close friend in a chair you don’t truly know how it is from my particular disability perspective. Just because your husband was brimming with confidence and made the first move doesn’t mean I should be criticized for not doing that all the time myself. Nor should it result in me being accused of blaming my disability for a lack of said confidence. And where I do lack that confidence it stems from over a decade of rejection, both disability and non-disability related, so I guess I can’t help it. But you raise some good points nonetheless, and I thank you for taking the time to read my post and respond.
Hi Shawn,
I just read your blog and responses via Altimate medical. I am a PT and was just cruising my email when I stumbled upon it.
I am impressed with your sharing your perspective honestly and bluntly, and with your courage to not only do that but to deal with comments and criticism which may make you feel misunderstood, etc. I value your perspective, and perceive you are pretty open minded in terms of the criticism too. Good for you.
Thank you Susan, that made my day.
Shawn, isn’t it interesting to see all the different reactions to your post… obviously a hot topic! So many different experiences and perspectives….thanks so much for sharing. I am really glad we have your point of view on our blog.
Yeah, that’s really been something! Thanks, and my pleasure. It’s been a fun ride so far.
I wanted to trackback and update new readers of this blog post as well as past readers who still follow the comments about my relationship status. Shortly after this post went up I did try internet dating via okcupid.com for about a little over a month. I put together what I thought was a pretty compelling profile with a good sales pitch, even though I have a tough time talking myself up. I was upfront about my disability in my profile and added that I was looking for someone willing to see beyond wrapping paper to the gift underneath, if you will. Even though I had almost 140 different women check out my profile during that short period of time, and got emails from okcupid telling me that their profile search traffic numbers and attractiveness rankings showed that women on the site found me “very attractive,” I only got two messages from women kicking my tires, neither of which I was interested in. I myself had a hard time finding women that I was attracted to, or if I was something in their profile turned me off (obnoxious, seemingly uneducated, etc.) and didn’t send any messages myself.
I was just about to work up the courage to message a girl I settled on, just to try it if anything, when I met someone out in the real world — a very pretty girl who cuts my hair at the salon I’ve gone to for years, which is interesting considering what I wrote in the 5th paragraph of my post about preferring to meet someone the old-fashioned way such as someone who cuts my hair that slowly builds into something. She cut my hair 3 out of 4 straight trips to the salon. After the third I decided that I really liked her and wanted to ask her out. I went into the fourth haircut planning to ask her out but chickened out as I was paying. But we became Facebook friends the next day (she sent the invite), started texting a few days later, then I asked her out and we went out to dinner the following Saturday night.
And we have been together ever since, going on over 7 months now. She is fun, smart, beautiful, amazing, and everything I could have asked for in a girlfriend. We are very in love and plan to be in each other’s lives for a long time. I’ve been happier the last 7 months than at any other point in my life because she’s in it. And it just keeps getting better too. In the end it just took a ton of patience and being myself, and finding my dream girl was worth the 12 year wait. And BTW, she still cuts my hair every month, and every now and again I even get a few free haircuts out of the deal!
Shawn,
The people who say you’re using your disability as a crutch don’t get it. I’m a quad too and there is definitely a difference between pre-SCi dating and post SCi-dating. I used to get asked out all the time before becoming a quad. I don’t get asked out nearly as much now. I did some online dating after becoming a quad. I dated some nice guys but…typically most would say at first it didn’t matter that I was disabled, that I was pretty, etc etc…but I think after a couple of dates the reality of dating a quad sunk in. All of my limitations would become their limitations. I couldn’t just get up and go…there’s curfews imposed by medical needs, things I can’t do that they might like to do…hiking, running, biking etc,. In a nutshell, it would require sacrifice on their part. The reality is that with disability comes rejection to some extent. It’s not necessarily the fault of the person who is disabled. I understand you not wanting to date another quad because your life is already full of hardship. It’s more practical to pair up with someone able bodied…or at least with a different or lesser disability. If you fall in love with someone disabled then so be it but theres no reason you need to go looking for another quad to marry just because you are. Well it sounds like you’re doing well now from your last post and found a good one. That’s great. Wish you the best!
Thank you very much for the comment, me. If you read through all the comments above you will discover that most of the responses were pretty critical of my post. Comments on Facebook called it cynical too. It was tough to deal with at the time. Part of me also kept thinking, they don’t get it, this was from my specific perspective. So if you would have posted your very spot on comment last year it would have made my month. But I’m glad you posted it regardless. If you are still single and looking, and now that I am on the other side of the coin, all I can say is keep plugging away and ultimately that one right person who overlooks all the extra BS that comes with our quad lifestyle will come along.
Hey Shawn,
I’m also disabled, I was born with Cerebral Palsy and use a walker. I’m 22 and have never dated, which admittedly is due in part to my disability and past rejection. I’ve been concentrating on my education and feting more fit.. I’ve been trying to throw myself in the dating world recently though. I just wanted to thank you for your post especially the part where you say: “Not being able to slide up next to girls on a couch, etc. or the inability to make other close contact that stokes that subtly physical ‘I like you’ vibe is frustrating.” I can completely relate to that, in the way that a key part of dating that i’ve observed is the pulling someone aside and or going for a walk…if feels like it’s almost a lack of fluidity in the “process”. I’m going to keep trying though and get over my dating anxiety but I appreciate that we have similar issues. Once again thanks for sharing